on your mark... get set... GO

So,  it's the first of the year,  time to begin again.  Time to forgive myself & others of what wasn't done last year.  Time to make changes. 

But before doing those changes,  there is a need to reflect on what has happened in the past.  Because in that is where you learn. 

I use to take time at the beginning of my year with a new journal & write out all that.  I wish I could still do that & maybe I will,  but it just is not in me anymore.  I've tried & had to put it away as I stare at the blank page.  Rather than get excited,  I become discourage that I don't have the cherished dreams to look forward to.  And the newness of the page just reminds me of that.

I'm surprised that I have a hard time even looking back.  My life is full,  but I still miss what I've loss so much. 

I miss my husband & our growing old together. I miss my friends who I counted as family. I miss living in warmer weather.  I miss homeschooling.  I miss my old life.

Don't get me wrong.  There has been much to smile about & I have even laughed.  I have even seen the hindsight in the struggle.  But this hasn't been my choice. 

What I have chosen is to move forward,  not move on,  because that would mean having to leave alot of my heart behind & I want to take that with me.  MOVE.... that was my word last year & I've been thinking,  I want to keep it.  But that wouldn't be moving would it?  So,  I'm still contemplating my word.

That was one of my favorite things about last year.  That I had a word to encourage me.  Another is doing the 31 day blog challenge.  I did read more & declutter more.  I got myself a job & hence have started a new identity apart from the kids & having been married.  I've moving forward... yes... I was on the mark for so long,  but I couldn't get myself into set. 

I'm grateful for support groups like Celebrate Recovery & Grief Share.  But I really miss having heart friends.  This is still a new beginning for me.  And I see myself going back to my old friends for support,  but they live so far away (yup,  I acknowledge that I'm whining).

I miss my church family.  But it's building here.  It's a bit more messy here.  But that's what family is.  I just wish that I didn't know so much & could just be a sheep in the pasture.

Through it all,  I have my God.  Who has never left me even though I have left many a time.  This morning I read about Hagar.  When the angel of the Lord came upon her,  she called Him the "God who sees".  Yes,  God sees how I am doing & He knows.  In that is comfort. 

And so,  this is my first blogpost of 2015... I'm ready & set & I'm moving... oops,  going!