Birthday blog 2015

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This picture is what held me back during the 31 day challenge.  I had in my plans that since I had put a picture of my birthday cake during the last challenge,  I wanted to carry it forward & make a consistent blog on birthday.  I don't remember fully what I was going to say,  but I got caught up in the details of perfectionism & couldn't get past the obstacle of not having things go MY way.  And so,  I just dropped it,  ignored it & let drop, what I thought was the perfect idea for the 31 day challenge.  It makes me sad a bit.  But I think I'm going to put the idea on the shelf,  continue to look at it,  mull over the "dailys" & pick it up & do it again come October.  This time,  I'll be ready & have the pictures stored in my cache.  I'm sure that something else will keep me from it,  but maybe because my 2016 word is COURAGE that I'll be battle-ready to overcome the obstacles.  I feel like I'm doing so well by finishing this draft & posting it today because it won't be perfect.  It won't be how I had planned.  But it means that I'm letting that go.  It means I'm completing this task & starting again.  It means I've dusted myself off from falling (or my perceived failing) & moving forward.  I am starting to see how this word does fit with my other two.  I'm getting excited about blogging again.  YIPEE!!!

31 day challenge 2015 landing page

I wasn't sure I was going to take up the challenge this year because I lacked inspiration & motivation.  But last week,  I was working on my to do list for the day & laughing at myself for writing things that I do daily.  These things do not have to be written down.  They get done (most of the time) even when they are NOT written down.  I think I write them down just to have something to cross off.  And I started to think about all the things that I do daily & wondered if I had 31 of them,  so "wa-la" inspiration was born & the motivation was there... then... but now it's October 1 & I'm just making this landing page without any direction or plan.  Actually,  I don't even know if I'm making this right.  I tried making a "button",  but that got frustrating.  But I feel like I'm letting myself down by not doing this challenge.  And so here I am moving FORWARD... I"m planning on coming back to this post (if I've made it right) & adding the linkys (is this the right term).  So,  I'm coming back every time & adding my post for the day,  I still am not sure if I'm doing it right.  But I'm trying & enduring & perservering!

Day 1 31-day-challenge-2015-landing-page
Day 2 blog-button
Day 3 read-blog-be-encouraged-love-this-daily
Day 4 the B-I-B-L-E
Day 5 my-morning-constitution
Day 6 paying-bills-sigh
Day 7 daily-distractions-1
Day 8 work-daily
Day 9 play-daily
Day 10 rest-daily
Day 11 pray-daily
Day 12 welcome-each-new-day
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Day 20 timer-is-my-friend
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Day 31

Independence day 2015, year 5

Early this morning,  I hung out the flag.  It's become a tradition since we moved here.  The other houses we lived in didn't have a flag holder but we had always intended to put one up.  So,  now this is part of our new normal.  A new family tradition to hang the flag out,  in front of our house,  on the 4th of July.

Our old normal,  consisted of going to Family Camp.  A week long church retreat that catered to the whole family & would be around the 4th of July.  It was a  long tradition of many families.  Friends,  who were like family to us,  who we only saw during that one week.  It was a highlight of the year for our family.

 We would have an old fashion parade where kids would decorate their bikes & scooters with red, white & blue ribbon.  And of course there was a marching band,  that everyone who ever had anything to do with an instrument (even if it had been 10 years since they graduated from highschool band as it had been for my husband) was invited & cajoled into participating.  One year,  there was a boy who marched playing a violin.  I miss Family Camp & all that it meant.  I pray that the memories won't fade but will live in our hearts forever.

And now we have new traditions.  The kids are involved in historical reenactments & have learned how to fire old war artillery.  We,  also,  party with our new church family.  Playing typical picnic games like 3 legged races & watermelon rolls.  But perhaps the most fun,  is shooting our own fireworks.  This was prohibited in the state we use to live in.  Now,  in this new normal,  I volunteer at the firework stand & sell them to raise money for the band (oh, the joys of public school). 

New normal isn't so bad when I think of these things.  Yes,  I miss the old normal,  but this is part of moving forward.  It would have happened even if Daddy hadn't died as we would have seen the kids parting to make their own traditions & gain their independence.

As I reflect on my own new normal & this independence that I've been thrust into.  I can say that I'm pretty proud of myself.  I've had to make so many major decisions as part of being "head of the household".  I've done so many things that I use to let my husband (& before him,  my own Dad) do because those where things that husbands & Dads do.  For instance,  last year,  one of the side trees needed to be trimmed because it was blocking the view of the street when backing out of the garage.  This year with all the rain,  I'm thinking that if I don't get the big limbs cut that they will break on to the roof with the heaviness of the leaves.  This one,  I can't do on my own,  but will have to hire someone.  That in itself is something hard to do,  because I don't know how to judge who would do a good job & not charge me fairly.  I'm such an easy "mark" for a conman.  And in this,  I hate that the buck stops with me.

So,  on this Independence day,  I celebrate that I'm doing okay in my new normal.  I just wish I didn't still miss my honey so very fiercely.

Time to change the sheets

I'm waiting for my bed sheets to come out of the dryer.  Usually,  I hang the sheets because I love the smell of sunshine that lingers after you take them down. The kids laugh with me as I inhale deeply & say "smell that sunshine".   I know it's not the smell of sunshine but of dried cotton (or percale,  I'm not sure what my sheets are made of).  But to me,  it's the smell of sunshine,  outdoor freshness & good memories of my childhood when I would hang sheets with my Aunty Ben.  

 Alas it's winter now & that means flannel sheets.  It means that there is still ice outside & the rain from last night has made lots of mud underneath my clothesline. It means putting the bedsheets in the dryer with a smelly thing that advertises to be outdoor fresh.

But my bedsheets or smell of sunshine isn't really what I wanted to write about... as I was walking the dogs this morning,  (see I told you I do my blog thinking while I walk them),  I was thinking about what i needed to get done today.  And it's not Thurs so I can't do the sheets.  Baby Girl had a memory at the dinner table the other day of taking her bedsheets & stuffing it into the pillowcase & tossing the bag over her shoulder & singing "hi ho, hi ho,  it's off to work we go" & how it they would do it every Thurs.  It was the routine.  And now the topic of this blog came into my thoughts.

In moving forward,  sometimes you have to get out of your routine.  When you are stuck & tangled,  you have to change & do something different so that you can move forward.  But sometimes,  you just have to get back into the routine.  I'm probably going to have to come back to these thoughts.  There is alot to ponder.

My one word: FORWARD

One word.... I started last year with just one word as my resolution.  I followed it all the way through & it's been good.  The word was MOVE.  And it was able to fit in all areas in my life.  So,  I wanted to do it again.  In fact,  I wanted to use the same word.  But it didn't seem like it would be moving forward.  And that's when it struck me that my word can be FORWARD.  It really isn't an action word but more of an "attitude" word.  And in that I'm afraid to commit.  But as I prayed & kept seeking for a word,  this FORWARD word nagged at me.  And so,  now,  I will make it my word & see where it takes me.  I may even join the one word tribe at http://oneword365.com/  

Forget New Year’s Resolutions. Scrap that long list of goals you won’t remember three weeks from now anyway.

Choose just one word.

One word you can focus on every day, all year long… One word that sums up who you want to be or how you want to live.

It will take intentionality and commitment, but if you let it, your one word will shape not only your year, but also you. It will become the compass that directs your decisions and guides your steps.

Discover the big impact one word can make.

Forget New Year’s Resolutions. Scrap that long list of goals you won’t remember three weeks from now anyway.

Choose just one word.

One word you can focus on every day, all year long… One word that sums up who you want to be or how you want to live.

It will take intentionality and commitment, but if you let it, your one word will shape not only your year, but also you. It will become the compass that directs your decisions and guides your steps.

Discover the big impact one word can make.

on your mark... get set... GO

So,  it's the first of the year,  time to begin again.  Time to forgive myself & others of what wasn't done last year.  Time to make changes. 

But before doing those changes,  there is a need to reflect on what has happened in the past.  Because in that is where you learn. 

I use to take time at the beginning of my year with a new journal & write out all that.  I wish I could still do that & maybe I will,  but it just is not in me anymore.  I've tried & had to put it away as I stare at the blank page.  Rather than get excited,  I become discourage that I don't have the cherished dreams to look forward to.  And the newness of the page just reminds me of that.

I'm surprised that I have a hard time even looking back.  My life is full,  but I still miss what I've loss so much. 

I miss my husband & our growing old together. I miss my friends who I counted as family. I miss living in warmer weather.  I miss homeschooling.  I miss my old life.

Don't get me wrong.  There has been much to smile about & I have even laughed.  I have even seen the hindsight in the struggle.  But this hasn't been my choice. 

What I have chosen is to move forward,  not move on,  because that would mean having to leave alot of my heart behind & I want to take that with me.  MOVE.... that was my word last year & I've been thinking,  I want to keep it.  But that wouldn't be moving would it?  So,  I'm still contemplating my word.

That was one of my favorite things about last year.  That I had a word to encourage me.  Another is doing the 31 day blog challenge.  I did read more & declutter more.  I got myself a job & hence have started a new identity apart from the kids & having been married.  I've moving forward... yes... I was on the mark for so long,  but I couldn't get myself into set. 

I'm grateful for support groups like Celebrate Recovery & Grief Share.  But I really miss having heart friends.  This is still a new beginning for me.  And I see myself going back to my old friends for support,  but they live so far away (yup,  I acknowledge that I'm whining).

I miss my church family.  But it's building here.  It's a bit more messy here.  But that's what family is.  I just wish that I didn't know so much & could just be a sheep in the pasture.

Through it all,  I have my God.  Who has never left me even though I have left many a time.  This morning I read about Hagar.  When the angel of the Lord came upon her,  she called Him the "God who sees".  Yes,  God sees how I am doing & He knows.  In that is comfort. 

And so,  this is my first blogpost of 2015... I'm ready & set & I'm moving... oops,  going!

As Paul Harvey would say... "now, for the rest of the story.."

Doing the 5 minute friday was fun.  Actually,  doing this whole 31 day challenge has been fun.  I think it's because I chose to not make it all that deep & thought provoking.  I chose to keep it light & not so vulnerable. 

I surprised myself with what I wrote yesterday.  Most of my posts for the challenge have been from the top of my head not so much from the recesses of my heart.  But yesterday,  I delved into a memory.  And it has me reflecting.

I didn't get a chance to finish my story because the timer went off.  The comments reflected that they didn't know the rest of the story.... as Paul Harvey would say... & to answer the question from one of the comments : Yes,  my whole life has been a dare.  And it has been worth it.

I started this blog to help me process my "new normal" of journeying without the big dare of my life,  my husband.  He died on March 23,  2010;  leaving me with 4 wonderful blessings who needed their Daddy & a mountain of decisions.  I dared to move them to an area which meant they were closer to their Dad's roots & could know him more from relatives & how he was brought up.  But also meant that I was moving away from my own solid support of family, church & school. And I continue to dare to press on. 

As we wind down to the end of this challenge,  I've been wondering what I will incorporate into my blog.  I want to keep the consistency.  I want to continue learning about blogging.  But I want to go back to writing from my heart & not just my head.  I need to in order to become unstuck & untangled.  I want to keep pressing on.

Why Blog?

I first started to blog when my husband was going through his cancer treatment & it was cathartic.  And after he died,  I blogged for a while because there were some who were interested in my journey,  but I noticed the following dwindled.  These were 2 very personal blogs with very personal family & friends who followed.  Then I took a hiatus from writing anything.  I didn't even write in a journal.  I don't think I felt like sharing my heart.  I was too raw & vulnerable. I felt the need to retreat.
    I started this blog because I felt the need to write about my journey of pressing on.  I didn't have an audience in mind.  I really just wanted to encourage myself.  I felt that by writing, venting & expressing both my angst & joys,  I could untangle my feelings of grief,  single parenthood & loneliness.  I needed to become unstuck & move on to what God's purpose in my life (whatever that is... because I still haven't figured it out).   Hence,  the title of this blog is Unstuck, Untangling, Pressing on.  I guess I'm the intended reader & if anyone else reads my writing than that's just an added bonus.

    Sometimes,  I use this blog more to vent & so I probably sound "whiny".  I don't feel the need to apologize for that because venting is part of the purpose.  Venting helps me become unstuck.  I vent & then I press on.

    Sometimes,  I ramble and again,  I don't think I should apologize for that because I'm the intended reader.  And rambling helps me untangle my thoughts.  It helps me get my thoughts out of my head so that I can make some sense of it & press on.

 


 Sometimes,  I have no focus..... & that's why I need to write... to blog... to press on

31 day challenge accepted

I've been wanting to get back to blogging regularly,  but just couldn't get motivated... or actually,  I wanted my blog to be just so,  perfect & of course didn't have enough time to do that,  so just didn't do it.  But I found this challenge at http://write31days.com/ & thought maybe this is what I need to kickstart me back into the habit.... I just need to get back to moving....

Back to MOVE

So,  I really do want to get back to blogging,  but life keeps getting in the way.  This morning,  I "walked" a 5K.  It was fun to go out there with my kids.  True,  they passed me after the start line,  but hey,  I'm back to MOVE.  And I'm back to blogging.  I really want to get back to adding something at least once a week.  Hopefully,  inertia won't set in.

Such a long hiatus.... time to MOVE (what a great word!)

I didn't mean too,  but I've taken almost the whole summer off from blogging.  The summer isn't completely gone,  but with the kids in school & routines falling into place,  it might as well be done.  But we still have Labor Day weekend.  And then,  sigh,  the summer will be over.  Hopefully,  I will be blogging more consistently again.

Anniversary time

I'm not sure what to write,  but have the time & feel the need.  Tomorrow will be the "date" that my Beloved went to be with our Lord.  And at the time it was a release,  but today,  I don't know how I feel.  All who said that time heals,  LIED,  because time does not.  It only makes the memories fuzzy & that makes me sad.

  I find myself straining to remember what his voice sounded like,  what his touch felt like.  Time has taken away the intense pain that felt so permanent,  but there is always a vulnerable spot that will get touched by a song or phrase that will bring it all back again. 

Time has helped me be open to possibilities,  new adventures & directions that bring me to close doors on dreams that once was & can not be.

Time does not heal,  but time has become my friend. At least for now.... Happy Homegoing Beloved,  I miss you!

My bridesmaids

My niece just got engaged & it's been interesting listening in on the plans.  I forgot how intense choosing bridemaids can be,  should you just ask family or do you just ask friends.  And which friends?  All her friends are special & she doesn't want to slight any of them.  I remember being in the same position & I felt the pressure & so all my cousins were in my wedding...

                                        it wasn't this extreme

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And since I don't have any sisters,  I did get to ask my closest friends to be my bridesmaids.  And they have remained my friends through sickness & in health.

They endured my choice of dresses (I think they did have a big bow in the back,  but they were short & I know that after my wedding they were used at a couple of cruises dress up affairs).  They helped me move boxes several times as we moved to several states in several years.  They were there to hold my babies & have their names as middle names (yup,  girls you were named after Auntys).  They were there for me when my beloved was first diagnosed with cancer.  They sat with me in emergency rooms & hospital bedsides.  They took care of my kids while I was sitting in chemo waiting rooms.  And they were my bridemaids once again during his memorial service.... helping me to get through my last ceremony with my love.  This past weekend would have been our 23rd.  And it was wonderful to get txts from my bridemaids.  They are still holding me up.  They are my sisters.... I love you girls,  thanks for being there for me!

Defining Identity

I've been thinking alot about this lately as I'm having to juggle so many roles in my life right now.  Many people have been surprised about my job because they didn't know that I was an RN.  Many people saw me as "just a stay at home mom".  And I was fine with that.  It was how I was choosing to be defined.

 When my husband was alive,  I liked being called MRS...  I liked being defined as his wife & the mother of his children.  And now,  when my kids introduce me  to their friends,  I like being defined as their mom.  But,  now as I'm having to navigate through this new normal,  I'm wondering about my own definition.

     Before I was married,  I supposed I defined myself by my job,  because it was what I did.  But I don't think I ever liked it.  I wanted to be known for me & I didn't see myself as a nurse.  It was just a job.  Sure,  a job that I did well & could be proud of.  But did it define me?  No,  I think not.  I did so many other things that I wanted to be known for such as world traveler,  missionary, discipler. encourager & friend.
   

  And as I am raising my girls (& one charming prince) I'm thinking that I DON'T want them to be waiting for their Prince Charming to define them. One of my best friends gave me great advice when  she saw my princesses playing house. She told me to not raise them with a Cinderella mentality that they had to wait for their "someday" & sing that song  "someday my prince will come".  No,  I don't want them to define themselves by that (& so glad that they are not, as they are living their lives to the fullest without pining for a boyfriend).  I'm praying that they will define themselves by how God defines them,  valuable & loved,  making their mark on this world to count for eternity.

And so,  maybe this will be how I will define myself,  not as widow or orphan... no not by the circumstances that I'm finding myself in.  Not by all the things that I do (including my new job,  which by the way,  I'm really loving!),  but who I am in this world,  created in God's image for His purpose of loving His people & basking in His love.
  

hee, hee.... I love when the sun comes through the window!!! this is how I'd love to bask in God"s love

The thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices

A man at the nursing home requested this song when my son's school went to caroling there.  The teacher nervously said that they (this was a group of mostly homeschool kids ages 2-16) hadn't prepared it but they would give it a try.  Since this is one of my favorites & I know all the words,  I helped them out & sang along.  Now,  the song is "stuck" in my head.  But I don't want to have it "untangled".  I believe,  the attitude behind the words will help me "press on" my journey. 

 Till He appeared and the Soul felt it's worth.  The thrill of hope,  the weary world rejoices

This is my favorite line... this is Christmas... & then I read about origin.  How marvelous the way God works.
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