I've been journaling for what seems all my life. When I was young, it was in a book with a lock & I always started it with, "Dear Diary". I would try to write my inner most thoughts, but they were quite juvenile. But, ha, I was a juvenile. Later, in my teenage years, I would write because I had no one else to talk to (since I was an only child). There were many pages of just plain "angst" where I would fill pages with so much pain of feeling left out or misunderstandings that are so frequent during those adolescent years. After I became a Christian, my journals became more like prayers & instead of starting with "Dear Diary", it would begin with "Oh Father God". I love reading through those ones as they are full of wonder & praise. In my college years, my journals were a mix of Sunday sermon notes, prayer requests, angst again (I wasn't sure I would get through my college years with all the expectations that weren't from me.... but then that's another blog topic) & updates of events. When I graduated, my journals dwindled to lists. The title topics ranging from what needed to get done that day to dreams & objectives to seeing those goals through. I had become less introspective & was writing more letters to friends.
I was traveling to other countries & frequently sent postcards with snippets of my comings & goings. I was working a shift that I needed letter writing to stay awake & sometimes to not focus on the mundane or tragic nature of my job. I was wanting to stay connected with my friends from college & those that I met on my travels. One of those friends became my husband. I think because we lived 4 states away from each other our "dating" was so much more richer as we shared more than dinner & a movie. But had to share our insides through what was like journaling.
After we were married, the journals again became lists, but then turned to baby books as we wanted to record first steps & first words. I started taking a million pictures & my journals were scrapbooks with cute stickers & coodinating paper. I wrote letters, but mostly to my mom sending pictures of her grandbabies. I'm so glad I took so many pictures of Daddy & his kids. Sometimes, I wonder how many memories they actually have of the real event or it's because they have a picture of it. But that doesn't matter. They have it.
Because of cancer, my journaling turned introspective as I sat by a hospital bed, writing my prayers out, pleading to God for my husband's healing. But he died & I stopped journaling. I even stopped taking pictures for awhile. The only thing is that life was still happening around me. And I had to go back to writing lists. Mostly, because I couldn't remember to buy milk at the grocery store if I didn't write it down.
I had to stop & I had to do.... & so I wrote list. And I started taking pictures again. I took my kids to wonderful places & I had to take their memories. And I started journaling again. Mostly, what we did but hardly ever how I felt. And so, I think I've come to the place where I'm journaling to finally get the angst out. Just like when I was a teenager. It's good to journal. It's good to get it out. It's good to write letters.... even if it's just yourself. By the way, I am writing more "snail" letters, so those of you who I count as my friends, be expecting them. They will probably be more rambling than I would like them to be, but I'm writing again... & that is good.
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