Party cleaning

Yikes,  the party is this weekend! And after I got most of the outside cleaned up & flowers in the beds,  it's suppose to freeze tonight.... seriously... it's the middle of May & my friends in California are exclaiming about 100 degree weather for their zoo outings.  So,  we are going to have Plan B ready for this "open house" graduation party on Sunday.  That means that I'm in "stash & dash" mode to cleaning my house.  Nobody can enter my bedroom because that's where I'm putting the boxes that I've filled up from the front room & family room.

I had to work yesterday so I'm a day behind in getting things done.  Superstar wanted to help yesterday & offered to clean the front room.  But if we are going to "stash & dash" the piles that I have there,  I need to know what box they are in.  So,  I need to be the one who does it.  And I was so tired last night after picking up Chinese take out,  I just wanted to lay down.  I needed to be doing so much.... but alas,  it was NOT done but I did go to bed early & am feeling refresh today to whip this clutter house in order.... maybe...


My coworker said that all that mattered is if the bathroom was clean.  Yup,  that's done,  thankfully the kids keep this in order... even though the shelf has LOTS of hair products & curling irons & straighteners & bobby pins & ribbon &... SIGH,  I love my girls pretty hair.

Ok,  off the computer & GO CLEAN for this party.  Hmmm,  in my ponderings,  I'm wondering how many times I try to spiritually clean my heart thinking that someone "spiritual" is coming & seeing my outside.  I need to remember that God sees my heart ALL the time & I need to keep it clean ALL the time as I entertain my King

move... lighting speed

Life has been moving at lighting speed.  It isn't the road that I wish,  but it's the path the God has put us on.  And the journey is as it should be.

Lately,  it's felt like a ride that is exhilarating at times,  but mostly one that I'd like to get off & have a breather.  One that I'd get back to the end of the line with my family to watch & anticipate being back on.  I'd love those line times when we would just talk & share,  funny at the time,  it was tiresome to get into a long line at Disneyland for just 5 minutes of "thrill".  But now when I remember back,  those are some of my best memories with my kids.

Superstar will be graduating from highschool in 3 weeks.  Talk about lighting speed as I think about getting the announcements out,  preparing for our open house graduation celebration & family coming.  I've also been picking up more worktime as other people in the office have graduation events to attend.  And there have been so many end of the year & award banquets to attend.

So,  when I do have time... when I should be getting things done,  I'd rather sit on the couch watching mind numbing reality TV (oh my gravy!.... the cowboys are still my favorite & maybe if they are on for the 5th time,  they'll win).  I should MOVE off this easy chair & off the computer & clean up the fish pond since we are having the graduation party outside & it would be lovey to have the fountain running instead of buried under the leaves.  I should be planting more flowers in the bed & replacing the dead ones hanging from the porch railing.  I need to cut out the articles of Superstar from the newspapers that are piled by the front door so I can bring them to the recycling center.  There are so many worthwhile activities that I should just get a MOVE on.... yup,  this was definitely the right word for this year

I did get the ferns hung & the hosta is cleared of leaves,  but it's just in a pile by the picnic table & I'm waiting for Brother to wake up to help me bag them.  My flower pots don't look like these but I'm thinking maybe I should go look for some for the front porch.  The ones that I have hang down & have the expose brown grass stuff as the bottom & held in by black iron.  I just wish I was in the mood to do this.... seriously,  I'd rather be on my couch with HGTV & watching someone making  a yard & house beautiful.... actually,  can they come to my house & do it.  SIGH!  ok,  off the computer & going to MOVE (what a great word!)

Doors

I've been pondering about doors in my life lately.  Maybe,  because I've been looking at old pictures (have had to get them out for Sr slideshow both for Sweetpea Princess & Superstar) & revisiting my word for the year.... MOVE.

As I was looking through my photo albums,  I noticed that quite a few were taken in front of our doors.  I'm not sure why,  but it brought up so many memories. In one of the houses that we lived ,  I wanted to have red doors.  So,  for Mother's Day that year,  Daddy & the girls took the doors off & in our front yard,  painted them a lovely brick red.  I think that has to be one of my favorite presents.  I was so proud of those beautiful doors,  but I absolutely loved my paint streak beauties & how they chattered through the whole process.  It was bittersweet when we moved from that house to live closer to my mom & Daddy's dream job of being an engineer.

 The following year,  we drove by the house & saw that the new owners had replace the doors.  I wish I had known,  I think I would have taken those red doors with me.  I loved those red doors.

But,  those red doors wouldn't fit the house that we are living in now.  I don't think that red would even look right on the house.  Some people try,  but it doesn't fit.  The doors that I have now are appropriate for the time period that the house was built.  If I had enough money,  I'd commission my husband's cousin to make a stain glass window to go above the door.  Maybe,  the kids will read these & take the hint for another Mother's Day present (but this time about a window).                                              





The red door, just, doesn't fit in our lives anymore because we've MOVED.  And now,  I'm seeing so many doors in my life open.

 

I don't want to say that I've moved on because in saying that I feel like I'm saying I've forgotten.  I will never forget.  It's just that I have to move forward & go through certain doors which means some doors will close.  It's these decisions that are scary.

 I"ve also been pondering that if there will be doors in Heaven.  Jesus said that there will be many mansions & He left to prepare a place for us.  I wonder if there are doors,  they'll just be left open.  Heaven will be wonderful. I'm holding on patiently expecting (HOPE).

prayfit

http://www.prayfit.com/
So,  I'm revisting my word for the year,  which was MOVE,  because I started doing an exercise dvd this morning.  That's it,  that's all I want to say... sigh...

Journaling & letter writing

I've been journaling for what seems all my life.  When I was young,  it was in a book with a lock & I always started it with,  "Dear Diary".  I would try to write my inner most thoughts,  but they were quite juvenile.  But,  ha,  I was a juvenile.  Later,  in my teenage years,  I would write because I had no one else to talk to (since I was an only child).  There were many pages of just plain "angst" where I would fill pages with so much pain of feeling left out or misunderstandings that are so frequent during those adolescent years.  After I became a Christian,  my journals became more like prayers & instead of starting with "Dear Diary",  it would begin with "Oh Father God".  I love reading through those ones as they are full of wonder & praise.  In my college years,  my journals were a mix of Sunday sermon notes,  prayer requests,  angst again (I wasn't sure I would get through my college years with all the expectations that weren't from me.... but then that's another blog topic) & updates of events.  When I graduated,  my journals dwindled to lists.  The title topics ranging from what needed to get done that day to dreams & objectives to seeing those goals through.  I had become less introspective & was writing more letters to friends. 

I was traveling to other countries & frequently sent postcards with snippets of my comings & goings.  I was working a shift that I needed letter writing to stay awake & sometimes to not focus on the mundane or tragic nature of my job.  I was wanting to stay connected with my friends from college & those that I met on my travels.  One of those friends became my husband.  I think because we lived 4 states away from each other our "dating" was so much more richer as we shared more than dinner & a movie.  But had to share our insides through what was like journaling.

After we were married,  the journals again became lists,  but then turned to baby books as we wanted to record first steps & first words.  I started taking a million pictures & my journals were scrapbooks with cute stickers & coodinating paper.  I wrote letters,  but mostly to my mom sending pictures of her grandbabies.  I'm so glad I took so many pictures of Daddy & his kids.  Sometimes,  I wonder how many memories they actually have of the real event or it's because they have a picture of it.  But that doesn't matter.  They have it.

Because of cancer,  my journaling turned introspective as I sat by a hospital bed,  writing my prayers out,  pleading to God for my husband's healing.  But he died & I stopped journaling.  I even stopped taking pictures for awhile.  The only thing is that life was still happening around me.  And I had to go back to writing lists.  Mostly,  because I couldn't remember to buy milk at the grocery store if I didn't write it down. 

I had to stop & I had to do.... & so I wrote list.  And I started taking pictures again.  I took my kids to wonderful places & I had to take their memories.  And I started journaling again.  Mostly,  what we did but hardly ever how I felt.  And so,  I think I've come to the place where I'm journaling to finally get the angst out.  Just like when I was a teenager.  It's good to journal.  It's good to get it out.  It's good to write letters.... even if it's just yourself.  By the way,  I am writing more "snail" letters,  so those of you who I count as my friends,  be expecting them.  They will probably be more rambling than I would like them to be,  but I'm writing again... & that is good.

Just like riding a bicycle...

She told me that it would be "just like riding a bicycle".  She, being a friend who told me about a job as an intake nurse at a Pediatric private practice.  I told her that I didn't think I knew how to be a nurse anymore. It's been almost 20 years since I've worked in a hospital.   She gave me the "pshaw" & said that it would come back to me quickly.  And it has!  I'm so happy to say that after 3 days of orientation,  I'm back to being a pediatric nurse (before I was married,  I worked at a Children's Hospital in a BIG city).

Before my "new normal",  I use to refer to the "R" in my RN as "retired".  I liked being a stay at home mom.  I liked that my identity was wrapped up in that.  I liked that my "job" as 'Mommy"  still incorporated what I learned to get my bachelor's degree,  but was so much more fulfilling.  I didn't think that I'd ever go back.  But I kept my license up for the "just in case".  I would never want to take the Boards again.

The "just in case" did happen,  but it didn't mean I had to go back to work.  Daddy set us up well & it has allowed me to still be Mama Bird to my 4 ducklings. It's been different as they've started learning away from home.  And I've had to learn to be a booster parent.  It's been different as I was no longer the sole schedule maker,  but had to abide by school adminstrators & sports leagues.   I've had to learn how to fly as head of the household (really an income tax term) & lead my little flock into new situations.  It's been scary,  but God has been faithful.

But I've been praying about the time that my little birdies will fly away from me.  I've been praying about the time when I will have to spread my wings & go solo.  I want them to grow & have families of their own.  I don't want them to "worry" about me being alone.  And so I've been praying.  Never thinking that the answer would come before I was ready or even before any of my ducklings were really gone from our nest.  Actually,  I didn't want the answer to come until they were out from my wing.  And so,  when the opportunity for this job came,  I hesistated,  but then had to seize it.

Have you ever heard the story of the man who fell from his boat & cried out to the Lord to save him.  Many tried to rescue him,  but he refused their efforts saying that he was waiting for the Lord.  So,  when he finally drowns,  he asks St Peter at the pearly gates why the Lord didn't come save him,  & finds out that God sent the rescue team.  The man had thought God would answer different.  And I didn't want to be like that man.

I want to make sure that I will take my Master's hand when He is reaching out to me. 

my ONE word resolution: MOVE

During the wait for the Rose Parade,  there was a news segment that talked about new year's resolutions & how more than 85% (or maybe it was higher) do not follow with their list.  It was then follow up with the book called My one word.  His theory is that you will keep to one word  because of the simplicity of it. http://myoneword.org/book/  One word is easy to remember.  One word can mean more than one thing.  And this is where my word comes in

my word is MOVE.... after all this blog name is about becoming unstuck... so hence,  I need to move.    Moving in all 4 aspects of my life
PHYSICALLY:  I need to exercise more,  have more movement in my daily life.... not quite sure how I'm going to do this,  but if I have MOVE in the forefront of my mind,  then I shall move.
INTELLECTUALLY:  I have had to shift my mindset from homeschool mama to... not sure as my kids have moved to traditional brick & mortar school.  I've had to attend booster meetings & learn about common core.  I've had to learn how to be more organized as the kids schedule hasn't been in my control but at the mercy of the school administration.  And now as I think about moving back into the workforce.... oh my,  will I have to go back to school?  Is my intellect ready to move to that kind of study?  But I am working on moving intellectually.
http://www.griefshare.org/

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EMOTIONALLY:  I'm moving towards healing with the help of http://www.griefshare.org/  I don't really have the luxury of wallowing in my grief.... sigh...

But I am moving.  I wish it were faster,  but I'm am starting to become unstuck.
And lastly,  SPIRITUALLY:  I'm moving by putting on sensible shoes... ha,ha... no really,  I started reading this book on spiritual disciplines & want to feel the Holy Spirit move (another sigh).  This perhaps is the most scary to move because it takes me out of my comfort zone.  It is easy to be content in my relationship with the Lord.  But I want true growth.  I want to MOVE closer to God"s heart.  I want the joy of my salvation.





I AM MOVING.........  MY ONE WORD:  MOVE

The thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices

A man at the nursing home requested this song when my son's school went to caroling there.  The teacher nervously said that they (this was a group of mostly homeschool kids ages 2-16) hadn't prepared it but they would give it a try.  Since this is one of my favorites & I know all the words,  I helped them out & sang along.  Now,  the song is "stuck" in my head.  But I don't want to have it "untangled".  I believe,  the attitude behind the words will help me "press on" my journey. 

 Till He appeared and the Soul felt it's worth.  The thrill of hope,  the weary world rejoices

This is my favorite line... this is Christmas... & then I read about origin.  How marvelous the way God works.
http://www.aproundtable.org/history-blog/blog.cfm?ID=876&AUTHOR_ID=9

What do I need to make it Christmas?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GRqjFcP_aw0

Last Sunday,  the pastor asked the congregation what was it, that we had to have, to make it Christmas.  He said for him, it was

THE FOOD,  specifically,  the smoked ham since they had smoked turkey for Thanksgiving.










Many said (& my daughter would be included in this group) that they needed the music,  even if it did start all the way back in October.

Others said ,  they needed the decorations before it seemed like Christmas to them.

  And in times past, I could have said,  I needed everything.  I love Christmas.  Always have & always will,  but it's different for me this year.

It's a bit grey around the glitter & somber in the gaiety. And the lights are a bit blurry









I have not felt my usual anticipation or happiness of the season.

It has taken me 2 weeks to get the house decorated & still much of it remains in the boxes.

 I haven't done my usual shopping











& if it hadn't been for traditions,  I'm not sure I would have done much.
 Traditions have been one of the strongholds for my family.  They reminded me that life still goes on & this is how we do it. 

I have to admit that I probably went overboard the first year after Daddy died & bought too many presents with the hope that it might compensate.  Of course, it didn't,  but we were together & because of traditions we could celebrate what mattered.

  And so,  I've been pondering what I needed to make it Christmas for me this year.

                  That's why I posted the song with this blog,
 because it's been like I'm asking "where are you Christmas".

I've been invited to more parties

Christmas tea,

                                   




                           progressive dinner &

open house ladies night) than I've ever been since it's just become 'me' & not 'we'.  And I've pushed myself to attend & have been proud to say that I didn't feel I "faked" my way through it. 

I loved the fellowship & laughter & seeing how everyone decorates.  But this hasn't made Christmas for me.

 I've don my shopping shirt & went Black Friday hunting with 2 of my daughters.  It was wonderful to see them spend THEIR money & be the caddy in their game.  But with the water pump in my car needing replacing & funds not being as much as they have been,  the hunt wasn't as much fun without having "ammunition" in my wallet.

There was no cantata to practice for or program to focus on.  Though my son was one of the wisemen in his school program.  As I watched him sing "We Three Kings",  I remembered that on his first Christmas he was Baby Jesus (with a pacifier!).  I can still say it's everything that makes it Christmas to me.

 But I think this year,  it's the Silence that I've latched onto.  It's been good to be quiet & listen.  It's been good to Advent in my devotions & truly prepare my heart to receive my King.  In this,  it's Christmas, remembering my Hope,  remembering God is God always.  This is it,  this Christmas

A Writer doesn't have to get it right the first time

This is maybe my 3rd or 4th attempt at blog writing.  The first one was during my husband's illness & it was to just get feelings out.  I probably could have gone back to that,  because now I need to get other feelings out,  but that's the whole point of my blog title... I want to get unstuck.  I really need to get untangled & like it says in Phillippians 3:: 12-14,  I'm pressing on.  Actually,  maybe I should just put the verses here,  using the ESV

2 Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. 13 Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. 15 Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you. 16 Only let us hold true to what we have attained. 17 Brothers, join in imitating me, and keep your eyes on those who walk according to the example you have in us. 18 For many, of whom I have often told you and now tell you even with tears, walk as enemies of the cross of Christ. 19 Their end is destruction, their god is their belly, and they glory in their shame, with minds set on earthly things. 20 But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, 21 who will transform our lowly body to be like his glorious body, by the power that enables him even to subject all things to himself. 

oops,  I went further on the verse... I really like this copy & paste stuff... but I digress.  I write again.  I've been inspired by other blog writers like http://mostlytoday.blogspot.com/ & http://hisglory-glorydawn.blogspot.com/who are using this forum to give voice to their journey.  And now I want to share my journey.

I've been going to a grief share group that just ended the first 13 week session. One of the lessons I came away with is that I need to not be stuck in widowhood.  I don't want to be like the little old lady that goes on about her dead husband,   sympathizing with her,  thinking it's a recent loss only to find out he passed away 20 years ago.  That's stuck,  I don't want that to me.  But I think I've been tangled up in the mess of getting settled into this new normal that I haven't really pressed on.

And so,  like any issue,  it's in acknowledging that there is an "issue" that gives you the freedom work on it,  learn from it,  grow...  press on,

I'm not sure who is going to read this blog aside from family & friends.  I've decided to be a little more discreet (my kids say to me all the time to not post their sayings or doings or images on facebook) since this is a public medium.  But I'm hoping that this journey of mine brings healing & encouragement.... press on

 

Keep Calm and Carry On was a motivational poster produced by the British government in 1939 several months before the beginning of the Second World War, intended to raise the morale of the British public in the aftermath of widely predicted mass air attacks on major cities.

I couldn't find an image that said keep calm and press on but I like the story of this anyways & decided to add it to my journey.