Birthday blog 2015

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This picture is what held me back during the 31 day challenge.  I had in my plans that since I had put a picture of my birthday cake during the last challenge,  I wanted to carry it forward & make a consistent blog on birthday.  I don't remember fully what I was going to say,  but I got caught up in the details of perfectionism & couldn't get past the obstacle of not having things go MY way.  And so,  I just dropped it,  ignored it & let drop, what I thought was the perfect idea for the 31 day challenge.  It makes me sad a bit.  But I think I'm going to put the idea on the shelf,  continue to look at it,  mull over the "dailys" & pick it up & do it again come October.  This time,  I'll be ready & have the pictures stored in my cache.  I'm sure that something else will keep me from it,  but maybe because my 2016 word is COURAGE that I'll be battle-ready to overcome the obstacles.  I feel like I'm doing so well by finishing this draft & posting it today because it won't be perfect.  It won't be how I had planned.  But it means that I'm letting that go.  It means I'm completing this task & starting again.  It means I've dusted myself off from falling (or my perceived failing) & moving forward.  I am starting to see how this word does fit with my other two.  I'm getting excited about blogging again.  YIPEE!!!

Welcome each new day

Yipee,  it worked... so,  in my last post where I wrote about how I'm making this challenge about blogging & not about having to write daily.  I said that I was going to move forward by catching up today & writing a bunch of posts.  But first,  I have to be excited that the pictures all came through.  This was my big hold up & why I hadn't blogged for awhile (well aside from taking birthday trips & band competitions & Baby Girl's senior recognition that I was part of a 3 member committee... my life can be too full).  I got stuck on wanting to put pictures.  I actually had planned some pictures with the thought of the "daily"s but then I couldn't figure out how to put them in the storage place of blogger. I wanted to be personal & not just get free images for this blog.  I really couldn't figure out how to get the pictures off my phone.  Still haven't,  but I really only had one on there that I wanted for the blog & that's the one of my birthday cake & I finally asked one of my daughters to download it for me.  But well,  now,  I can just welcome this new day & go FORWARD from here.

Thank you Lord,  that your mercies never cease & they are new every morning

 

Independence day 2015, year 5

Early this morning,  I hung out the flag.  It's become a tradition since we moved here.  The other houses we lived in didn't have a flag holder but we had always intended to put one up.  So,  now this is part of our new normal.  A new family tradition to hang the flag out,  in front of our house,  on the 4th of July.

Our old normal,  consisted of going to Family Camp.  A week long church retreat that catered to the whole family & would be around the 4th of July.  It was a  long tradition of many families.  Friends,  who were like family to us,  who we only saw during that one week.  It was a highlight of the year for our family.

 We would have an old fashion parade where kids would decorate their bikes & scooters with red, white & blue ribbon.  And of course there was a marching band,  that everyone who ever had anything to do with an instrument (even if it had been 10 years since they graduated from highschool band as it had been for my husband) was invited & cajoled into participating.  One year,  there was a boy who marched playing a violin.  I miss Family Camp & all that it meant.  I pray that the memories won't fade but will live in our hearts forever.

And now we have new traditions.  The kids are involved in historical reenactments & have learned how to fire old war artillery.  We,  also,  party with our new church family.  Playing typical picnic games like 3 legged races & watermelon rolls.  But perhaps the most fun,  is shooting our own fireworks.  This was prohibited in the state we use to live in.  Now,  in this new normal,  I volunteer at the firework stand & sell them to raise money for the band (oh, the joys of public school). 

New normal isn't so bad when I think of these things.  Yes,  I miss the old normal,  but this is part of moving forward.  It would have happened even if Daddy hadn't died as we would have seen the kids parting to make their own traditions & gain their independence.

As I reflect on my own new normal & this independence that I've been thrust into.  I can say that I'm pretty proud of myself.  I've had to make so many major decisions as part of being "head of the household".  I've done so many things that I use to let my husband (& before him,  my own Dad) do because those where things that husbands & Dads do.  For instance,  last year,  one of the side trees needed to be trimmed because it was blocking the view of the street when backing out of the garage.  This year with all the rain,  I'm thinking that if I don't get the big limbs cut that they will break on to the roof with the heaviness of the leaves.  This one,  I can't do on my own,  but will have to hire someone.  That in itself is something hard to do,  because I don't know how to judge who would do a good job & not charge me fairly.  I'm such an easy "mark" for a conman.  And in this,  I hate that the buck stops with me.

So,  on this Independence day,  I celebrate that I'm doing okay in my new normal.  I just wish I didn't still miss my honey so very fiercely.

to post

I have to confess that I'm writing from the top of my head again.  I had thought that the habit would have stuck from the 31 day challenge to be more consistent in blogging.  The habit of writing has stuck,  so with that I am happy.  But I have had many blog post in mind,  but the old "sins" of perfectism,  lazyness & comparison have crept up & have kept me away.  I think I must need the accountablity of the challenge.  I'm surprise that I was just a bit dissapointed that I went from close to 50 views to 2.  After all,  I stopped writing for a reader,  so I shouldn't be dissappointed.  I think I need to go back to having goals & objectives.  So,  I'll write them out here: (remember just writing from the top of my head without a plan).  I want to blog at least once a week.  I'd love for them to be well thought out,  with subjects that I want to share with my kids,  but if that doesn't happen before the week is over,  then,  I'll join in the five minute prompt or story saturday or silent sunday.  I need to draft the subjects or thoughts that I wanted to write about.  For instance,  I had a good thought about writing about the correlation between death & beauty in the fall leaves.  These thoughts came to me during my walks with the dogs around the neighborhood.  Yup,  this is a start... amen....

Twelve steps Tuesday

I think it's become a habit.  This morning when I was walking the dogs,  I was trying to think of the title of my blog.  I knew I wanted it to be an alliteration & something that I would continue.  But nothing that started with a "t" stuck out to me.  And I became somewhat disappointed knowing that I needed to get a blog done & I wasn't inspired.

This was the start of what could have been a downward spiral for me.  I've been battling a little bit of depression.  And as I continued on with my day,  I was dwelling on the feeling of being alone in my decisions;  of not having anyone to bounce my ideas.  I started to feel unappreciated, inadequate & unlovely.  I felt the urge for Ben & Jerry (something chocolate please) & to watch HGTV (house hunters international intrigues me) See,  what I mean by the spiral down.

And then as I was cleaning off the table,  I caught sight of a note from a friend from a program I went to when I first moved here.  I had promised many that I would seek counseling & grief support.  But I couldn't find anything in my town except Celebrate Recovery.

 I didn't know it was a program for addictions & other habits & hang ups.  I just knew that it met at the Baptist Church & it seemed like a group that I could say,  I kept my promise.

There I found a Bible based program of real... oh wow,  very REAL people who were trying to get out of holes that they dug themselves but hanging on tightly to the hand of Jesus.  They let me cry without judgement that I wasn't trusting God's will.   I felt acceptance where I didn't feel it in any other church setting.  Ironically,  the leaders didn't know what group to put me in,  because they had never had anyone come off the street that said,  I'm grieving & I need to feel okay about it.  

I was placed with the women who were in "bad" relationships.  Who had been abused or abandoned.  Ladies who enabled bad behavior in their men.  Ladies,  who in the years past,  I would never have been able to relate to.  I'm not sure I can relate still,  but they let me cry & express my disappointment with God.  They let me get mad at God & didn't judge.  They gave me love from their own hurts.  And it's just what I needed

Now,  I've been going to a Griefshare group & it's good.  It's what I need to be in NOW.  I'm not sure I could have been accepting of the principles back then.  I was too raw.  I just needed to be loved & told to "work the steps".

Which leads to me to my alliteration today.  The 12 steps are very basic & its what I did today to get me out of my slump.  In a short version,  I had to admit that I was letting negative thought overtake me & had to recognize that God is bigger & decide to believe God.  I read lots of Bible,  especially Psalms & mediated how God keeps me sheltered.  He is my refuge.  And then,  I met with a friend & shared with her what I learned.  And she was encouraged.

This is why,  I'm naming Tues,  my 12 step Tuesday & will continue after the challenge is over

Habits

I've heard it said that it takes 21 days to form a habit.  I suppose that's why this challenge was created to help us "wannabe" writers get into the habit of blogging.  I've been reading posts from the facebook page & it's been from alot of people who stumble upon the challenge.  I, on the other hand,  thought long & hard about it knowing that it was going to form a habit.

Yes,  I want to be blogging again but do I want to take precious time away from my family to be on the computer.  Do I have the discipline that it takes to not spend hours looking for just the right image to go with what I want to convey?  Will I prioritize my tasks so that I will blog every day?  These & other questions were what I wrestled with when I learned about the challenge.  I didn't want it to be something that I started & didn't finish.  I wanted to form a GOOD habit.  It's really not about posting something every day (though if I really do that,  it will be a measureable goal that I will celebrate).  But making a habit to limit my computer time. A habit of learning how to blog & make the pretties (font change, strike throughs, linkys, buttons... stuff like that)  A habit to plan so that I can be organized.  A habit of  writing & being vulnerable.

   
 A habit of sharing my                        heart

Starting... the first step..

An artist friend of mine says it's better to just start than to wait for the perfect time of creative juices because if you don't,  you will never create.

I think that's is where I was with this blogging.  So,  now,  I just have to start... but my mind is blank.  I don't know what to type.  What's ironic is that when I brought my son to school this morning,  I had all kinds of ideas during the drive home.  But,  the dogs needed to be walked,  bonding with Sweet Pea needed to be priority,  visiting my elderly neighbor who fell yesterday & is now in the nursing home.... LIFE happened

                                                 & now I don't know what to blog. 
But the challenge was to blog for 31 days,  NOT blog creatively or even pretty.  I just want to start blogging again.  I accepted the challenge because I knew it would keep me accountable.  I have no grand ideas that I will have a following or anyone would be remotely interested in what is in my head that I have to blog about.  I just know that I have so much in my heart that I have to get out & blogging is the way to do it.  So,  it's a start.... & last night when I was trying to learn the linkys,  I found that a friend http://emptynestabundantlife.com/2014/10/01/the-write-31-day-challenge/ from my past accepted the challenge too

tho Julie, I'm not sure if I did the link thing right

.  So,  somebody may actually read this.... She has thought this challenge through & has made plans of what she is going to write on certain days.  I'd like to be there... organized... but well,  I have to start first. 

31 day challenge accepted

I've been wanting to get back to blogging regularly,  but just couldn't get motivated... or actually,  I wanted my blog to be just so,  perfect & of course didn't have enough time to do that,  so just didn't do it.  But I found this challenge at http://write31days.com/ & thought maybe this is what I need to kickstart me back into the habit.... I just need to get back to moving....

Back to MOVE

So,  I really do want to get back to blogging,  but life keeps getting in the way.  This morning,  I "walked" a 5K.  It was fun to go out there with my kids.  True,  they passed me after the start line,  but hey,  I'm back to MOVE.  And I'm back to blogging.  I really want to get back to adding something at least once a week.  Hopefully,  inertia won't set in.

Doors

I've been pondering about doors in my life lately.  Maybe,  because I've been looking at old pictures (have had to get them out for Sr slideshow both for Sweetpea Princess & Superstar) & revisiting my word for the year.... MOVE.

As I was looking through my photo albums,  I noticed that quite a few were taken in front of our doors.  I'm not sure why,  but it brought up so many memories. In one of the houses that we lived ,  I wanted to have red doors.  So,  for Mother's Day that year,  Daddy & the girls took the doors off & in our front yard,  painted them a lovely brick red.  I think that has to be one of my favorite presents.  I was so proud of those beautiful doors,  but I absolutely loved my paint streak beauties & how they chattered through the whole process.  It was bittersweet when we moved from that house to live closer to my mom & Daddy's dream job of being an engineer.

 The following year,  we drove by the house & saw that the new owners had replace the doors.  I wish I had known,  I think I would have taken those red doors with me.  I loved those red doors.

But,  those red doors wouldn't fit the house that we are living in now.  I don't think that red would even look right on the house.  Some people try,  but it doesn't fit.  The doors that I have now are appropriate for the time period that the house was built.  If I had enough money,  I'd commission my husband's cousin to make a stain glass window to go above the door.  Maybe,  the kids will read these & take the hint for another Mother's Day present (but this time about a window).                                              





The red door, just, doesn't fit in our lives anymore because we've MOVED.  And now,  I'm seeing so many doors in my life open.

 

I don't want to say that I've moved on because in saying that I feel like I'm saying I've forgotten.  I will never forget.  It's just that I have to move forward & go through certain doors which means some doors will close.  It's these decisions that are scary.

 I"ve also been pondering that if there will be doors in Heaven.  Jesus said that there will be many mansions & He left to prepare a place for us.  I wonder if there are doors,  they'll just be left open.  Heaven will be wonderful. I'm holding on patiently expecting (HOPE).

prayfit

http://www.prayfit.com/
So,  I'm revisting my word for the year,  which was MOVE,  because I started doing an exercise dvd this morning.  That's it,  that's all I want to say... sigh...

Just like riding a bicycle...

She told me that it would be "just like riding a bicycle".  She, being a friend who told me about a job as an intake nurse at a Pediatric private practice.  I told her that I didn't think I knew how to be a nurse anymore. It's been almost 20 years since I've worked in a hospital.   She gave me the "pshaw" & said that it would come back to me quickly.  And it has!  I'm so happy to say that after 3 days of orientation,  I'm back to being a pediatric nurse (before I was married,  I worked at a Children's Hospital in a BIG city).

Before my "new normal",  I use to refer to the "R" in my RN as "retired".  I liked being a stay at home mom.  I liked that my identity was wrapped up in that.  I liked that my "job" as 'Mommy"  still incorporated what I learned to get my bachelor's degree,  but was so much more fulfilling.  I didn't think that I'd ever go back.  But I kept my license up for the "just in case".  I would never want to take the Boards again.

The "just in case" did happen,  but it didn't mean I had to go back to work.  Daddy set us up well & it has allowed me to still be Mama Bird to my 4 ducklings. It's been different as they've started learning away from home.  And I've had to learn to be a booster parent.  It's been different as I was no longer the sole schedule maker,  but had to abide by school adminstrators & sports leagues.   I've had to learn how to fly as head of the household (really an income tax term) & lead my little flock into new situations.  It's been scary,  but God has been faithful.

But I've been praying about the time that my little birdies will fly away from me.  I've been praying about the time when I will have to spread my wings & go solo.  I want them to grow & have families of their own.  I don't want them to "worry" about me being alone.  And so I've been praying.  Never thinking that the answer would come before I was ready or even before any of my ducklings were really gone from our nest.  Actually,  I didn't want the answer to come until they were out from my wing.  And so,  when the opportunity for this job came,  I hesistated,  but then had to seize it.

Have you ever heard the story of the man who fell from his boat & cried out to the Lord to save him.  Many tried to rescue him,  but he refused their efforts saying that he was waiting for the Lord.  So,  when he finally drowns,  he asks St Peter at the pearly gates why the Lord didn't come save him,  & finds out that God sent the rescue team.  The man had thought God would answer different.  And I didn't want to be like that man.

I want to make sure that I will take my Master's hand when He is reaching out to me. 

my ONE word resolution: MOVE

During the wait for the Rose Parade,  there was a news segment that talked about new year's resolutions & how more than 85% (or maybe it was higher) do not follow with their list.  It was then follow up with the book called My one word.  His theory is that you will keep to one word  because of the simplicity of it. http://myoneword.org/book/  One word is easy to remember.  One word can mean more than one thing.  And this is where my word comes in

my word is MOVE.... after all this blog name is about becoming unstuck... so hence,  I need to move.    Moving in all 4 aspects of my life
PHYSICALLY:  I need to exercise more,  have more movement in my daily life.... not quite sure how I'm going to do this,  but if I have MOVE in the forefront of my mind,  then I shall move.
INTELLECTUALLY:  I have had to shift my mindset from homeschool mama to... not sure as my kids have moved to traditional brick & mortar school.  I've had to attend booster meetings & learn about common core.  I've had to learn how to be more organized as the kids schedule hasn't been in my control but at the mercy of the school administration.  And now as I think about moving back into the workforce.... oh my,  will I have to go back to school?  Is my intellect ready to move to that kind of study?  But I am working on moving intellectually.
http://www.griefshare.org/

o

EMOTIONALLY:  I'm moving towards healing with the help of http://www.griefshare.org/  I don't really have the luxury of wallowing in my grief.... sigh...

But I am moving.  I wish it were faster,  but I'm am starting to become unstuck.
And lastly,  SPIRITUALLY:  I'm moving by putting on sensible shoes... ha,ha... no really,  I started reading this book on spiritual disciplines & want to feel the Holy Spirit move (another sigh).  This perhaps is the most scary to move because it takes me out of my comfort zone.  It is easy to be content in my relationship with the Lord.  But I want true growth.  I want to MOVE closer to God"s heart.  I want the joy of my salvation.





I AM MOVING.........  MY ONE WORD:  MOVE

A Writer doesn't have to get it right the first time

This is maybe my 3rd or 4th attempt at blog writing.  The first one was during my husband's illness & it was to just get feelings out.  I probably could have gone back to that,  because now I need to get other feelings out,  but that's the whole point of my blog title... I want to get unstuck.  I really need to get untangled & like it says in Phillippians 3:: 12-14,  I'm pressing on.  Actually,  maybe I should just put the verses here,  using the ESV

2 Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. 13 Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. 15 Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you. 16 Only let us hold true to what we have attained. 17 Brothers, join in imitating me, and keep your eyes on those who walk according to the example you have in us. 18 For many, of whom I have often told you and now tell you even with tears, walk as enemies of the cross of Christ. 19 Their end is destruction, their god is their belly, and they glory in their shame, with minds set on earthly things. 20 But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, 21 who will transform our lowly body to be like his glorious body, by the power that enables him even to subject all things to himself. 

oops,  I went further on the verse... I really like this copy & paste stuff... but I digress.  I write again.  I've been inspired by other blog writers like http://mostlytoday.blogspot.com/ & http://hisglory-glorydawn.blogspot.com/who are using this forum to give voice to their journey.  And now I want to share my journey.

I've been going to a grief share group that just ended the first 13 week session. One of the lessons I came away with is that I need to not be stuck in widowhood.  I don't want to be like the little old lady that goes on about her dead husband,   sympathizing with her,  thinking it's a recent loss only to find out he passed away 20 years ago.  That's stuck,  I don't want that to me.  But I think I've been tangled up in the mess of getting settled into this new normal that I haven't really pressed on.

And so,  like any issue,  it's in acknowledging that there is an "issue" that gives you the freedom work on it,  learn from it,  grow...  press on,

I'm not sure who is going to read this blog aside from family & friends.  I've decided to be a little more discreet (my kids say to me all the time to not post their sayings or doings or images on facebook) since this is a public medium.  But I'm hoping that this journey of mine brings healing & encouragement.... press on

 

Keep Calm and Carry On was a motivational poster produced by the British government in 1939 several months before the beginning of the Second World War, intended to raise the morale of the British public in the aftermath of widely predicted mass air attacks on major cities.

I couldn't find an image that said keep calm and press on but I like the story of this anyways & decided to add it to my journey.