Independence day 2015, year 5

Early this morning,  I hung out the flag.  It's become a tradition since we moved here.  The other houses we lived in didn't have a flag holder but we had always intended to put one up.  So,  now this is part of our new normal.  A new family tradition to hang the flag out,  in front of our house,  on the 4th of July.

Our old normal,  consisted of going to Family Camp.  A week long church retreat that catered to the whole family & would be around the 4th of July.  It was a  long tradition of many families.  Friends,  who were like family to us,  who we only saw during that one week.  It was a highlight of the year for our family.

 We would have an old fashion parade where kids would decorate their bikes & scooters with red, white & blue ribbon.  And of course there was a marching band,  that everyone who ever had anything to do with an instrument (even if it had been 10 years since they graduated from highschool band as it had been for my husband) was invited & cajoled into participating.  One year,  there was a boy who marched playing a violin.  I miss Family Camp & all that it meant.  I pray that the memories won't fade but will live in our hearts forever.

And now we have new traditions.  The kids are involved in historical reenactments & have learned how to fire old war artillery.  We,  also,  party with our new church family.  Playing typical picnic games like 3 legged races & watermelon rolls.  But perhaps the most fun,  is shooting our own fireworks.  This was prohibited in the state we use to live in.  Now,  in this new normal,  I volunteer at the firework stand & sell them to raise money for the band (oh, the joys of public school). 

New normal isn't so bad when I think of these things.  Yes,  I miss the old normal,  but this is part of moving forward.  It would have happened even if Daddy hadn't died as we would have seen the kids parting to make their own traditions & gain their independence.

As I reflect on my own new normal & this independence that I've been thrust into.  I can say that I'm pretty proud of myself.  I've had to make so many major decisions as part of being "head of the household".  I've done so many things that I use to let my husband (& before him,  my own Dad) do because those where things that husbands & Dads do.  For instance,  last year,  one of the side trees needed to be trimmed because it was blocking the view of the street when backing out of the garage.  This year with all the rain,  I'm thinking that if I don't get the big limbs cut that they will break on to the roof with the heaviness of the leaves.  This one,  I can't do on my own,  but will have to hire someone.  That in itself is something hard to do,  because I don't know how to judge who would do a good job & not charge me fairly.  I'm such an easy "mark" for a conman.  And in this,  I hate that the buck stops with me.

So,  on this Independence day,  I celebrate that I'm doing okay in my new normal.  I just wish I didn't still miss my honey so very fiercely.

Time to change the sheets

I'm waiting for my bed sheets to come out of the dryer.  Usually,  I hang the sheets because I love the smell of sunshine that lingers after you take them down. The kids laugh with me as I inhale deeply & say "smell that sunshine".   I know it's not the smell of sunshine but of dried cotton (or percale,  I'm not sure what my sheets are made of).  But to me,  it's the smell of sunshine,  outdoor freshness & good memories of my childhood when I would hang sheets with my Aunty Ben.  

 Alas it's winter now & that means flannel sheets.  It means that there is still ice outside & the rain from last night has made lots of mud underneath my clothesline. It means putting the bedsheets in the dryer with a smelly thing that advertises to be outdoor fresh.

But my bedsheets or smell of sunshine isn't really what I wanted to write about... as I was walking the dogs this morning,  (see I told you I do my blog thinking while I walk them),  I was thinking about what i needed to get done today.  And it's not Thurs so I can't do the sheets.  Baby Girl had a memory at the dinner table the other day of taking her bedsheets & stuffing it into the pillowcase & tossing the bag over her shoulder & singing "hi ho, hi ho,  it's off to work we go" & how it they would do it every Thurs.  It was the routine.  And now the topic of this blog came into my thoughts.

In moving forward,  sometimes you have to get out of your routine.  When you are stuck & tangled,  you have to change & do something different so that you can move forward.  But sometimes,  you just have to get back into the routine.  I'm probably going to have to come back to these thoughts.  There is alot to ponder.

I'm back, just me

No more challenge but I can honestly say that I have thought everyday that I should blog.  I purposely stayed away to give myself time to not just write from the top of my head.  But I have been posting every day on Facebook for Thankfulness days in November.  It's something that I had fun with last year & am continueing the tradition.  I was going to make this Story Sunday,  but it's getting late & I just wanted to make sure that I put in a post.  So,  yeah,  I'm writing from the top of my head,  but it's okay because I am blogging.  I'm feeling consistent.  I'm back,  but I think it's just me here & that's okay.

Party cleaning

Yikes,  the party is this weekend! And after I got most of the outside cleaned up & flowers in the beds,  it's suppose to freeze tonight.... seriously... it's the middle of May & my friends in California are exclaiming about 100 degree weather for their zoo outings.  So,  we are going to have Plan B ready for this "open house" graduation party on Sunday.  That means that I'm in "stash & dash" mode to cleaning my house.  Nobody can enter my bedroom because that's where I'm putting the boxes that I've filled up from the front room & family room.

I had to work yesterday so I'm a day behind in getting things done.  Superstar wanted to help yesterday & offered to clean the front room.  But if we are going to "stash & dash" the piles that I have there,  I need to know what box they are in.  So,  I need to be the one who does it.  And I was so tired last night after picking up Chinese take out,  I just wanted to lay down.  I needed to be doing so much.... but alas,  it was NOT done but I did go to bed early & am feeling refresh today to whip this clutter house in order.... maybe...


My coworker said that all that mattered is if the bathroom was clean.  Yup,  that's done,  thankfully the kids keep this in order... even though the shelf has LOTS of hair products & curling irons & straighteners & bobby pins & ribbon &... SIGH,  I love my girls pretty hair.

Ok,  off the computer & GO CLEAN for this party.  Hmmm,  in my ponderings,  I'm wondering how many times I try to spiritually clean my heart thinking that someone "spiritual" is coming & seeing my outside.  I need to remember that God sees my heart ALL the time & I need to keep it clean ALL the time as I entertain my King

move... lighting speed

Life has been moving at lighting speed.  It isn't the road that I wish,  but it's the path the God has put us on.  And the journey is as it should be.

Lately,  it's felt like a ride that is exhilarating at times,  but mostly one that I'd like to get off & have a breather.  One that I'd get back to the end of the line with my family to watch & anticipate being back on.  I'd love those line times when we would just talk & share,  funny at the time,  it was tiresome to get into a long line at Disneyland for just 5 minutes of "thrill".  But now when I remember back,  those are some of my best memories with my kids.

Superstar will be graduating from highschool in 3 weeks.  Talk about lighting speed as I think about getting the announcements out,  preparing for our open house graduation celebration & family coming.  I've also been picking up more worktime as other people in the office have graduation events to attend.  And there have been so many end of the year & award banquets to attend.

So,  when I do have time... when I should be getting things done,  I'd rather sit on the couch watching mind numbing reality TV (oh my gravy!.... the cowboys are still my favorite & maybe if they are on for the 5th time,  they'll win).  I should MOVE off this easy chair & off the computer & clean up the fish pond since we are having the graduation party outside & it would be lovey to have the fountain running instead of buried under the leaves.  I should be planting more flowers in the bed & replacing the dead ones hanging from the porch railing.  I need to cut out the articles of Superstar from the newspapers that are piled by the front door so I can bring them to the recycling center.  There are so many worthwhile activities that I should just get a MOVE on.... yup,  this was definitely the right word for this year

I did get the ferns hung & the hosta is cleared of leaves,  but it's just in a pile by the picnic table & I'm waiting for Brother to wake up to help me bag them.  My flower pots don't look like these but I'm thinking maybe I should go look for some for the front porch.  The ones that I have hang down & have the expose brown grass stuff as the bottom & held in by black iron.  I just wish I was in the mood to do this.... seriously,  I'd rather be on my couch with HGTV & watching someone making  a yard & house beautiful.... actually,  can they come to my house & do it.  SIGH!  ok,  off the computer & going to MOVE (what a great word!)

Journaling & letter writing

I've been journaling for what seems all my life.  When I was young,  it was in a book with a lock & I always started it with,  "Dear Diary".  I would try to write my inner most thoughts,  but they were quite juvenile.  But,  ha,  I was a juvenile.  Later,  in my teenage years,  I would write because I had no one else to talk to (since I was an only child).  There were many pages of just plain "angst" where I would fill pages with so much pain of feeling left out or misunderstandings that are so frequent during those adolescent years.  After I became a Christian,  my journals became more like prayers & instead of starting with "Dear Diary",  it would begin with "Oh Father God".  I love reading through those ones as they are full of wonder & praise.  In my college years,  my journals were a mix of Sunday sermon notes,  prayer requests,  angst again (I wasn't sure I would get through my college years with all the expectations that weren't from me.... but then that's another blog topic) & updates of events.  When I graduated,  my journals dwindled to lists.  The title topics ranging from what needed to get done that day to dreams & objectives to seeing those goals through.  I had become less introspective & was writing more letters to friends. 

I was traveling to other countries & frequently sent postcards with snippets of my comings & goings.  I was working a shift that I needed letter writing to stay awake & sometimes to not focus on the mundane or tragic nature of my job.  I was wanting to stay connected with my friends from college & those that I met on my travels.  One of those friends became my husband.  I think because we lived 4 states away from each other our "dating" was so much more richer as we shared more than dinner & a movie.  But had to share our insides through what was like journaling.

After we were married,  the journals again became lists,  but then turned to baby books as we wanted to record first steps & first words.  I started taking a million pictures & my journals were scrapbooks with cute stickers & coodinating paper.  I wrote letters,  but mostly to my mom sending pictures of her grandbabies.  I'm so glad I took so many pictures of Daddy & his kids.  Sometimes,  I wonder how many memories they actually have of the real event or it's because they have a picture of it.  But that doesn't matter.  They have it.

Because of cancer,  my journaling turned introspective as I sat by a hospital bed,  writing my prayers out,  pleading to God for my husband's healing.  But he died & I stopped journaling.  I even stopped taking pictures for awhile.  The only thing is that life was still happening around me.  And I had to go back to writing lists.  Mostly,  because I couldn't remember to buy milk at the grocery store if I didn't write it down. 

I had to stop & I had to do.... & so I wrote list.  And I started taking pictures again.  I took my kids to wonderful places & I had to take their memories.  And I started journaling again.  Mostly,  what we did but hardly ever how I felt.  And so,  I think I've come to the place where I'm journaling to finally get the angst out.  Just like when I was a teenager.  It's good to journal.  It's good to get it out.  It's good to write letters.... even if it's just yourself.  By the way,  I am writing more "snail" letters,  so those of you who I count as my friends,  be expecting them.  They will probably be more rambling than I would like them to be,  but I'm writing again... & that is good.

My bridesmaids

My niece just got engaged & it's been interesting listening in on the plans.  I forgot how intense choosing bridemaids can be,  should you just ask family or do you just ask friends.  And which friends?  All her friends are special & she doesn't want to slight any of them.  I remember being in the same position & I felt the pressure & so all my cousins were in my wedding...

                                        it wasn't this extreme

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And since I don't have any sisters,  I did get to ask my closest friends to be my bridesmaids.  And they have remained my friends through sickness & in health.

They endured my choice of dresses (I think they did have a big bow in the back,  but they were short & I know that after my wedding they were used at a couple of cruises dress up affairs).  They helped me move boxes several times as we moved to several states in several years.  They were there to hold my babies & have their names as middle names (yup,  girls you were named after Auntys).  They were there for me when my beloved was first diagnosed with cancer.  They sat with me in emergency rooms & hospital bedsides.  They took care of my kids while I was sitting in chemo waiting rooms.  And they were my bridemaids once again during his memorial service.... helping me to get through my last ceremony with my love.  This past weekend would have been our 23rd.  And it was wonderful to get txts from my bridemaids.  They are still holding me up.  They are my sisters.... I love you girls,  thanks for being there for me!

Defining Identity

I've been thinking alot about this lately as I'm having to juggle so many roles in my life right now.  Many people have been surprised about my job because they didn't know that I was an RN.  Many people saw me as "just a stay at home mom".  And I was fine with that.  It was how I was choosing to be defined.

 When my husband was alive,  I liked being called MRS...  I liked being defined as his wife & the mother of his children.  And now,  when my kids introduce me  to their friends,  I like being defined as their mom.  But,  now as I'm having to navigate through this new normal,  I'm wondering about my own definition.

     Before I was married,  I supposed I defined myself by my job,  because it was what I did.  But I don't think I ever liked it.  I wanted to be known for me & I didn't see myself as a nurse.  It was just a job.  Sure,  a job that I did well & could be proud of.  But did it define me?  No,  I think not.  I did so many other things that I wanted to be known for such as world traveler,  missionary, discipler. encourager & friend.
   

  And as I am raising my girls (& one charming prince) I'm thinking that I DON'T want them to be waiting for their Prince Charming to define them. One of my best friends gave me great advice when  she saw my princesses playing house. She told me to not raise them with a Cinderella mentality that they had to wait for their "someday" & sing that song  "someday my prince will come".  No,  I don't want them to define themselves by that (& so glad that they are not, as they are living their lives to the fullest without pining for a boyfriend).  I'm praying that they will define themselves by how God defines them,  valuable & loved,  making their mark on this world to count for eternity.

And so,  maybe this will be how I will define myself,  not as widow or orphan... no not by the circumstances that I'm finding myself in.  Not by all the things that I do (including my new job,  which by the way,  I'm really loving!),  but who I am in this world,  created in God's image for His purpose of loving His people & basking in His love.
  

hee, hee.... I love when the sun comes through the window!!! this is how I'd love to bask in God"s love

Just like riding a bicycle...

She told me that it would be "just like riding a bicycle".  She, being a friend who told me about a job as an intake nurse at a Pediatric private practice.  I told her that I didn't think I knew how to be a nurse anymore. It's been almost 20 years since I've worked in a hospital.   She gave me the "pshaw" & said that it would come back to me quickly.  And it has!  I'm so happy to say that after 3 days of orientation,  I'm back to being a pediatric nurse (before I was married,  I worked at a Children's Hospital in a BIG city).

Before my "new normal",  I use to refer to the "R" in my RN as "retired".  I liked being a stay at home mom.  I liked that my identity was wrapped up in that.  I liked that my "job" as 'Mommy"  still incorporated what I learned to get my bachelor's degree,  but was so much more fulfilling.  I didn't think that I'd ever go back.  But I kept my license up for the "just in case".  I would never want to take the Boards again.

The "just in case" did happen,  but it didn't mean I had to go back to work.  Daddy set us up well & it has allowed me to still be Mama Bird to my 4 ducklings. It's been different as they've started learning away from home.  And I've had to learn to be a booster parent.  It's been different as I was no longer the sole schedule maker,  but had to abide by school adminstrators & sports leagues.   I've had to learn how to fly as head of the household (really an income tax term) & lead my little flock into new situations.  It's been scary,  but God has been faithful.

But I've been praying about the time that my little birdies will fly away from me.  I've been praying about the time when I will have to spread my wings & go solo.  I want them to grow & have families of their own.  I don't want them to "worry" about me being alone.  And so I've been praying.  Never thinking that the answer would come before I was ready or even before any of my ducklings were really gone from our nest.  Actually,  I didn't want the answer to come until they were out from my wing.  And so,  when the opportunity for this job came,  I hesistated,  but then had to seize it.

Have you ever heard the story of the man who fell from his boat & cried out to the Lord to save him.  Many tried to rescue him,  but he refused their efforts saying that he was waiting for the Lord.  So,  when he finally drowns,  he asks St Peter at the pearly gates why the Lord didn't come save him,  & finds out that God sent the rescue team.  The man had thought God would answer different.  And I didn't want to be like that man.

I want to make sure that I will take my Master's hand when He is reaching out to me.