Independence day 2015, year 5

Early this morning,  I hung out the flag.  It's become a tradition since we moved here.  The other houses we lived in didn't have a flag holder but we had always intended to put one up.  So,  now this is part of our new normal.  A new family tradition to hang the flag out,  in front of our house,  on the 4th of July.

Our old normal,  consisted of going to Family Camp.  A week long church retreat that catered to the whole family & would be around the 4th of July.  It was a  long tradition of many families.  Friends,  who were like family to us,  who we only saw during that one week.  It was a highlight of the year for our family.

 We would have an old fashion parade where kids would decorate their bikes & scooters with red, white & blue ribbon.  And of course there was a marching band,  that everyone who ever had anything to do with an instrument (even if it had been 10 years since they graduated from highschool band as it had been for my husband) was invited & cajoled into participating.  One year,  there was a boy who marched playing a violin.  I miss Family Camp & all that it meant.  I pray that the memories won't fade but will live in our hearts forever.

And now we have new traditions.  The kids are involved in historical reenactments & have learned how to fire old war artillery.  We,  also,  party with our new church family.  Playing typical picnic games like 3 legged races & watermelon rolls.  But perhaps the most fun,  is shooting our own fireworks.  This was prohibited in the state we use to live in.  Now,  in this new normal,  I volunteer at the firework stand & sell them to raise money for the band (oh, the joys of public school). 

New normal isn't so bad when I think of these things.  Yes,  I miss the old normal,  but this is part of moving forward.  It would have happened even if Daddy hadn't died as we would have seen the kids parting to make their own traditions & gain their independence.

As I reflect on my own new normal & this independence that I've been thrust into.  I can say that I'm pretty proud of myself.  I've had to make so many major decisions as part of being "head of the household".  I've done so many things that I use to let my husband (& before him,  my own Dad) do because those where things that husbands & Dads do.  For instance,  last year,  one of the side trees needed to be trimmed because it was blocking the view of the street when backing out of the garage.  This year with all the rain,  I'm thinking that if I don't get the big limbs cut that they will break on to the roof with the heaviness of the leaves.  This one,  I can't do on my own,  but will have to hire someone.  That in itself is something hard to do,  because I don't know how to judge who would do a good job & not charge me fairly.  I'm such an easy "mark" for a conman.  And in this,  I hate that the buck stops with me.

So,  on this Independence day,  I celebrate that I'm doing okay in my new normal.  I just wish I didn't still miss my honey so very fiercely.

Back to MOVE

So,  I really do want to get back to blogging,  but life keeps getting in the way.  This morning,  I "walked" a 5K.  It was fun to go out there with my kids.  True,  they passed me after the start line,  but hey,  I'm back to MOVE.  And I'm back to blogging.  I really want to get back to adding something at least once a week.  Hopefully,  inertia won't set in.

Journaling & letter writing

I've been journaling for what seems all my life.  When I was young,  it was in a book with a lock & I always started it with,  "Dear Diary".  I would try to write my inner most thoughts,  but they were quite juvenile.  But,  ha,  I was a juvenile.  Later,  in my teenage years,  I would write because I had no one else to talk to (since I was an only child).  There were many pages of just plain "angst" where I would fill pages with so much pain of feeling left out or misunderstandings that are so frequent during those adolescent years.  After I became a Christian,  my journals became more like prayers & instead of starting with "Dear Diary",  it would begin with "Oh Father God".  I love reading through those ones as they are full of wonder & praise.  In my college years,  my journals were a mix of Sunday sermon notes,  prayer requests,  angst again (I wasn't sure I would get through my college years with all the expectations that weren't from me.... but then that's another blog topic) & updates of events.  When I graduated,  my journals dwindled to lists.  The title topics ranging from what needed to get done that day to dreams & objectives to seeing those goals through.  I had become less introspective & was writing more letters to friends. 

I was traveling to other countries & frequently sent postcards with snippets of my comings & goings.  I was working a shift that I needed letter writing to stay awake & sometimes to not focus on the mundane or tragic nature of my job.  I was wanting to stay connected with my friends from college & those that I met on my travels.  One of those friends became my husband.  I think because we lived 4 states away from each other our "dating" was so much more richer as we shared more than dinner & a movie.  But had to share our insides through what was like journaling.

After we were married,  the journals again became lists,  but then turned to baby books as we wanted to record first steps & first words.  I started taking a million pictures & my journals were scrapbooks with cute stickers & coodinating paper.  I wrote letters,  but mostly to my mom sending pictures of her grandbabies.  I'm so glad I took so many pictures of Daddy & his kids.  Sometimes,  I wonder how many memories they actually have of the real event or it's because they have a picture of it.  But that doesn't matter.  They have it.

Because of cancer,  my journaling turned introspective as I sat by a hospital bed,  writing my prayers out,  pleading to God for my husband's healing.  But he died & I stopped journaling.  I even stopped taking pictures for awhile.  The only thing is that life was still happening around me.  And I had to go back to writing lists.  Mostly,  because I couldn't remember to buy milk at the grocery store if I didn't write it down. 

I had to stop & I had to do.... & so I wrote list.  And I started taking pictures again.  I took my kids to wonderful places & I had to take their memories.  And I started journaling again.  Mostly,  what we did but hardly ever how I felt.  And so,  I think I've come to the place where I'm journaling to finally get the angst out.  Just like when I was a teenager.  It's good to journal.  It's good to get it out.  It's good to write letters.... even if it's just yourself.  By the way,  I am writing more "snail" letters,  so those of you who I count as my friends,  be expecting them.  They will probably be more rambling than I would like them to be,  but I'm writing again... & that is good.

My bridesmaids

My niece just got engaged & it's been interesting listening in on the plans.  I forgot how intense choosing bridemaids can be,  should you just ask family or do you just ask friends.  And which friends?  All her friends are special & she doesn't want to slight any of them.  I remember being in the same position & I felt the pressure & so all my cousins were in my wedding...

                                        it wasn't this extreme

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And since I don't have any sisters,  I did get to ask my closest friends to be my bridesmaids.  And they have remained my friends through sickness & in health.

They endured my choice of dresses (I think they did have a big bow in the back,  but they were short & I know that after my wedding they were used at a couple of cruises dress up affairs).  They helped me move boxes several times as we moved to several states in several years.  They were there to hold my babies & have their names as middle names (yup,  girls you were named after Auntys).  They were there for me when my beloved was first diagnosed with cancer.  They sat with me in emergency rooms & hospital bedsides.  They took care of my kids while I was sitting in chemo waiting rooms.  And they were my bridemaids once again during his memorial service.... helping me to get through my last ceremony with my love.  This past weekend would have been our 23rd.  And it was wonderful to get txts from my bridemaids.  They are still holding me up.  They are my sisters.... I love you girls,  thanks for being there for me!

Cast of Characters

As we were all gathered for Christmas,  my kids asked about my new blog & wondered how I was going to refer to them since I was being more discreet.  So,  I thought I'd introduce my family

Sweetpea Princess is my first born & probably had all the nicknames that are going to be mention (well maybe not the boy ones).  But her Daddy use to call her that when she was tiny & he would tuck her under his chin & then take a nap on the couch.  She is away at college,  but it is only 2 hours away so is able to come visit when her studies aren't intense (hardly ever since she is a 4yr 4.0 & is getting ready for grad school & doctorate program in Physical Therapy) & job schedule doesn't interfere.  Sweetpea has a heart for missions & has been an inspiration to many.  She's one of my heroes.

Superstar is 3.5 years younger but has been trying to keep up with big sister since she was born.  They "debated" if Daddy gave her this nickname,  but like I said before,  he called all of them interchangeably & I'm ending it now & calling her this.  It fits, because ever since she started swimming at the grand age of 5 she has been setting records.  Superstar is in her last year of public highschool & has been a testament of the solid foundation of homeschooling.  I think I was a good teacher for my kids.

Baby Girl really had this name for the first 2 weeks of her life since she was birthed at an urgent care & I took her home without naming her on her birth certificate.  I actually call her Sweetheart more because that's what she is..... the biggest heart for children & the underdogs.  I've discovered that her love language is the same as mine & it's been fun to watch her love on the people in her life.  I'm so blessed that I'm on of those people.

Brother,  my son,  coming at the tail,  12.5 years from Sweetpea & 6 years from Baby Girl.  He is all boy in a gaggle of girls & can get in a heap of trouble for it.

Linda Caroline,   a form of my name that one of my best friends from nursing school has dubbed me.  My father wanted to name me Caroline after the president's daughter.... my mother wouldn't have it & named me after her dead sister.... sigh... I have never really liked my name,  but it is what it is.














Daddy,  I think I'll introduce him here, as well, since he's still a big part of our lives.  He died 3 years ago of SNUC,  a rare form of brain cancer.  He was the best husband,  but even better Daddy & that's why I'm choosing to refer to him as that.