Defining Identity

I've been thinking alot about this lately as I'm having to juggle so many roles in my life right now.  Many people have been surprised about my job because they didn't know that I was an RN.  Many people saw me as "just a stay at home mom".  And I was fine with that.  It was how I was choosing to be defined.

 When my husband was alive,  I liked being called MRS...  I liked being defined as his wife & the mother of his children.  And now,  when my kids introduce me  to their friends,  I like being defined as their mom.  But,  now as I'm having to navigate through this new normal,  I'm wondering about my own definition.

     Before I was married,  I supposed I defined myself by my job,  because it was what I did.  But I don't think I ever liked it.  I wanted to be known for me & I didn't see myself as a nurse.  It was just a job.  Sure,  a job that I did well & could be proud of.  But did it define me?  No,  I think not.  I did so many other things that I wanted to be known for such as world traveler,  missionary, discipler. encourager & friend.
   

  And as I am raising my girls (& one charming prince) I'm thinking that I DON'T want them to be waiting for their Prince Charming to define them. One of my best friends gave me great advice when  she saw my princesses playing house. She told me to not raise them with a Cinderella mentality that they had to wait for their "someday" & sing that song  "someday my prince will come".  No,  I don't want them to define themselves by that (& so glad that they are not, as they are living their lives to the fullest without pining for a boyfriend).  I'm praying that they will define themselves by how God defines them,  valuable & loved,  making their mark on this world to count for eternity.

And so,  maybe this will be how I will define myself,  not as widow or orphan... no not by the circumstances that I'm finding myself in.  Not by all the things that I do (including my new job,  which by the way,  I'm really loving!),  but who I am in this world,  created in God's image for His purpose of loving His people & basking in His love.
  

hee, hee.... I love when the sun comes through the window!!! this is how I'd love to bask in God"s love

Just like riding a bicycle...

She told me that it would be "just like riding a bicycle".  She, being a friend who told me about a job as an intake nurse at a Pediatric private practice.  I told her that I didn't think I knew how to be a nurse anymore. It's been almost 20 years since I've worked in a hospital.   She gave me the "pshaw" & said that it would come back to me quickly.  And it has!  I'm so happy to say that after 3 days of orientation,  I'm back to being a pediatric nurse (before I was married,  I worked at a Children's Hospital in a BIG city).

Before my "new normal",  I use to refer to the "R" in my RN as "retired".  I liked being a stay at home mom.  I liked that my identity was wrapped up in that.  I liked that my "job" as 'Mommy"  still incorporated what I learned to get my bachelor's degree,  but was so much more fulfilling.  I didn't think that I'd ever go back.  But I kept my license up for the "just in case".  I would never want to take the Boards again.

The "just in case" did happen,  but it didn't mean I had to go back to work.  Daddy set us up well & it has allowed me to still be Mama Bird to my 4 ducklings. It's been different as they've started learning away from home.  And I've had to learn to be a booster parent.  It's been different as I was no longer the sole schedule maker,  but had to abide by school adminstrators & sports leagues.   I've had to learn how to fly as head of the household (really an income tax term) & lead my little flock into new situations.  It's been scary,  but God has been faithful.

But I've been praying about the time that my little birdies will fly away from me.  I've been praying about the time when I will have to spread my wings & go solo.  I want them to grow & have families of their own.  I don't want them to "worry" about me being alone.  And so I've been praying.  Never thinking that the answer would come before I was ready or even before any of my ducklings were really gone from our nest.  Actually,  I didn't want the answer to come until they were out from my wing.  And so,  when the opportunity for this job came,  I hesistated,  but then had to seize it.

Have you ever heard the story of the man who fell from his boat & cried out to the Lord to save him.  Many tried to rescue him,  but he refused their efforts saying that he was waiting for the Lord.  So,  when he finally drowns,  he asks St Peter at the pearly gates why the Lord didn't come save him,  & finds out that God sent the rescue team.  The man had thought God would answer different.  And I didn't want to be like that man.

I want to make sure that I will take my Master's hand when He is reaching out to me. 

Quiet hum

It really is quiet here in the house.  All,  have returned to the routine of school & I'm at the dining room table with papers to file.

I couldn't do this while the kids were here because this is a quiet job.  I couldn't do this with them around because I wanted to be fully engaged with them.  Plus,  I really do hate having to tackle all this paper.  I'd much rather just let it pile up.  But then,  there is the frustration of having to find a slip of paper as the kids file their FAFSA & me,  my income tax.

Vacation was wonderful as we relaxed,  played games,  had movie marathons (we finally got to the Lord of the Rings Trilogy),  made snow angels &snowmen (sigh,  now that song is going to be in my head,  but it is a good song & I love when my girls sing it to each other) &  made LOTS of noise.  And now there's just a hum in the house.  A lovely hum combination of refridgerator & outside tractor (my neighbor is working on a tree that fell during the recent icestorm) making an underlying harmony with the song in my heart of this being my abode.

If I listen with my heart,  I can still hear the kids laughing with each other as they complain how long it takes to finish a game of Monopoly.  I'm reminded of the Psalmist song of "BE STILL".  I wonder if it's so we can hear the hum in our hearts.

Cast of Characters #2

the kids say that I left out some important family members in my introductions.... THE DOGS.  I'm debating if I give them anonymity.  They don't need it.  And Sweetpea Princess who graciously made the profiles on the other introductions say that the dogs won't stay still enough to draw.  Oh well,  I'll add something later (I love being able to edit!)
 disclaimer.... these are not pictures of our real dogs because it's true they won't stay still,  but maybe if Sweetpea feels some creativity she will draw them... pretty please?

SHEPHERD,  not her name,  though we really don't know her "real" name since we adopted her through a rescue group of german shepherds.  It had always been on my bucket list to go through the process of obtaining a rescue dog.  I think the kids thought I was just dreaming when I said we were going to do it.  I wanted a german shepherd because I grew up with them & know that they are easily trained to be protective.  This is what I wanted & in fact had told the girls that I wanted to name her "boyfriend killer".  I had this image of saying, to the invited boys at our house, that we rescued Shepherd & don't know if she was a drug dog,  while she was sniffing their pockets.  Well,  it was a pretty intense process,  with an application,  phone interviews which followed a home visit then a "meet & greet.  We had selected a picture online of the dog we thought we wanted & with other people meeting their selection,  we had an outdoor "party".   It was an hour away (seems like everything is an hour away from our small town) & we showed up early.  They were just bringing the dogs out with their foster parents & Dolly (she is who had picked) was shy with us.  Shepherd on the other hand was latched on to the kids & won their hearts.  She was there because her foster mom was bringing another dog & hadn't anticipated us.  It was a sad parting & we kept the name that we brought her home with.  It fits better than boyfriend killer.

POODLE,  also not his name,  came to us straight from his doggy mom.  Getting him is an example of what happens when you say,  "I'll never..." because,  I was never going to get a poodle,  for Christmas.  I actually got him for Baby Girl because she asked.  I think she was surprise when I said that I'd consider it.  I think she was mentally preparing herself to my answer of no,  since she had been disappointed so much in the past.  Daddy said she could have horse riding lessons when she was 13 (he died when she was 12).  I had said that she could be a guide dog trainer as part of her homeschooling in middle school.  We stopped homeschooling in 8th grade.  Baby Girl has had alot of disappointments in her young life.  And so when I heard about these puppies & she implored me for one.  I prayed & felt the "yes".  I know she was quite surprised & delighted.  We met the little thing when he looked like a black guinea pig & was the biggest one of the litter.  I wanted a black one because I had the idea that we would name him Darth Vader (I was still looking for a dog that would be a boyfriend killer!)  But we didn't name him that.  Sweetpea Princess did NOT think that we should get another dog & I thought if we let her name him hoping, it would endear her to him.  Ha,  she now calls him "her boyfriend".  I guess it worked.

Both dogs sleep with me.  The kids say it's because I'm alpha dog.  I think it's because I let them on my big queensize bed.  They sleep on Daddy's side.  They help me feel protected.  They are doing their job.  Plus,  they help keep me moving since I have to get up & take them for walks every day.

And so,  there you have it.... that's my cast of characters (for now)

my ONE word resolution: MOVE

During the wait for the Rose Parade,  there was a news segment that talked about new year's resolutions & how more than 85% (or maybe it was higher) do not follow with their list.  It was then follow up with the book called My one word.  His theory is that you will keep to one word  because of the simplicity of it. http://myoneword.org/book/  One word is easy to remember.  One word can mean more than one thing.  And this is where my word comes in

my word is MOVE.... after all this blog name is about becoming unstuck... so hence,  I need to move.    Moving in all 4 aspects of my life
PHYSICALLY:  I need to exercise more,  have more movement in my daily life.... not quite sure how I'm going to do this,  but if I have MOVE in the forefront of my mind,  then I shall move.
INTELLECTUALLY:  I have had to shift my mindset from homeschool mama to... not sure as my kids have moved to traditional brick & mortar school.  I've had to attend booster meetings & learn about common core.  I've had to learn how to be more organized as the kids schedule hasn't been in my control but at the mercy of the school administration.  And now as I think about moving back into the workforce.... oh my,  will I have to go back to school?  Is my intellect ready to move to that kind of study?  But I am working on moving intellectually.
http://www.griefshare.org/

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EMOTIONALLY:  I'm moving towards healing with the help of http://www.griefshare.org/  I don't really have the luxury of wallowing in my grief.... sigh...

But I am moving.  I wish it were faster,  but I'm am starting to become unstuck.
And lastly,  SPIRITUALLY:  I'm moving by putting on sensible shoes... ha,ha... no really,  I started reading this book on spiritual disciplines & want to feel the Holy Spirit move (another sigh).  This perhaps is the most scary to move because it takes me out of my comfort zone.  It is easy to be content in my relationship with the Lord.  But I want true growth.  I want to MOVE closer to God"s heart.  I want the joy of my salvation.





I AM MOVING.........  MY ONE WORD:  MOVE